Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll eat until the fish figure out what he’s doing to them.
If your children start asking questions about life insurance, tell them you don’t have any. Also, keep a closer eye on them and take away their knife collections.
If given the chance to do something stupid today, don’t do it.
A man who wears a speedo is trying too hard to convince you that he isn’t really a Communist.
To achieve your goals, write them down and read them every day. Unless your goal is to die lonely and broke. Don’t write that one down.
One day I’ll be dead and someone will find this website and say, “Wow! That guy was really stupid. Good thing he’s dead.”
If you feel yourself becoming angry with someone, breathe in and count to 10. That should be enough time to come up with a plan for revenge.