“If you knew you were going to die today, what would you do differently? Now that you know, you can avoid doing it and live.” [link to this quote]

“To be more productive, try doing 2 things at once. To be even more productive, make that 1,000 things.” [link to this quote]

“One man's garbage is another man's treasure. Unless you're a raccoon. Then it's basically all one category.” [link to this quote]

“The true measure of a man isn't how large his bank account is, but rather how tall he is when not wearing shoes.” [link to this quote]

“Save some money for a rainy day. Save even more money for the day your house burns down.” [link to this quote]

“Rats have a lot of options. Take it as a compliment if they choose to live in your home.” [link to this quote]

“If you get paid by the hour, do your work slowly. If you pay your employees by the hour, fire the slow ones.” [link to this quote]

“Robbing a bank may be illegal, but you can't say it isn't a fast way to make some money.” [link to this quote]

“There's no faster way to get yourself murdered than by making friends with a carny.” [link to this quote]

“Your worst day wearing a bear suit at work is still better than your best day at work without one.” [link to this quote]

“There are three kinds of people in the world: pilots, carnies, and regular folk. Guess which one will shank you with a corn dog stick.” [link to this quote]

“You might think the worst part of a monkey funeral is all the poop throwing. Personally, I find the tiny monkey casket much more disturbing.” [link to this quote]