Bacon is the rich man’s sausage.
Pooping in the dark is hard at first, but once you find the toilet paper it’s mostly smooth sailing.
I used to love grave dancing until the time a zombie hand reached through the ground and grabbed my leg. That took most of the fun out of it for me.
Be nice to your computer. It knows all of your secrets.
They were never as popular as lawn darts, but toilet darts are still my all-time favorite dart.
Take the time today to call up an old friend and say hello. This is a good way to remember why you stopped talking to him.
If life gives you lemons, don’t eat them — it’s a trick!
There are no bad people — only good people and carnies.
Imagine the life you dream of. Picture every detail and see yourself living it. Now accept that it will never happen and be happy with your box of rats.
The sharper the pencil, the more eyes lost to pencil mishaps.